My Fingernails

Dammit dammit dammit! All these tragic little tidbits keep occurring to me at random times. Today’s sad thought: looking at my fingernails. Remembering how I was taking such good care of them when I was pregnant. Pregnancy made my nails strong and thick for the first time ever. I had them filed and painted professionally. Never before was I into such a feminine thing. I figured after the delivery I would have to cut them short so I wouldn’t scratch the baby. Didn’t care, just was happy to be expecting to hold a baby. Who gives a shit about perfectly manicured nails when you can cuddle with your very own baby?

Tomorrow the doctor is supposed to call to tell us when to come in to hear the autopsy results. Scott and I go for a long walk in the park tonight, discuss what our response will be to each possible scenario. It feels pointless to prepare – I thought I was prepared for any outcome of pregnancy – turns out losing this baby hurts me more than I could ever have imagined.

Why does it hurt so much? I never got to know her, or even hold her once. I have no idea what color her eyes were, let alone how she liked to be held or when she liked to be fed. The only things I knew about her were sleep patterns, because of the frequency of her kicks. I know nothing about whether she had birthmarks or any resemblance to me or Scott. I don’t know what it would have felt like to kiss her. How am I hurting so much over a baby I never even saw?