Afraid to Try Again

I’m getting a little more worked up about returning to work than I thought I would. Been so anxious to get back in the game, to do something meaningful, to make money to ease the burden off Scott as sole breadwinner. Now, the day before I go back, I’m sad about it. I should have missed work because of maternity leave, and should be going back to work with pictures of a baby. This is all so fucked up, it shouldn’t have fucking happened like this! It’s so not fair. Like fairness matters, I know. But still, I can’t help thinking that. I did everything I could, I tried so hard to be healthy and not stressed out, and it all amounts to shit.

I realize today that I am breathlessly afraid of getting pregnant again (guess why), and also desperately wanting to get pregnant. The conflict is annoying. Wanting to get pregnant again wins hands down, but that landslide vote doesn’t abate the fear in the least. I understand the risks of trying again, more than I did the first time around. I know in my heart I can deal with another loss, it wouldn’t kill me. It would hurt like hell but it wouldn’t kill me.